Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
whose ass print is on the piano?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
