we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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