The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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