Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
