Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
