I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
