I murdered the dance floor call the cops
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
he thought i was a dude.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Randomize
