Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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