So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
