Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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