I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
