What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Randomize