you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
