Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I look better un-naked...
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
