didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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