This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
