Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
