if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
