Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
