Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
