3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Randomize
