I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
