No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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