i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
