can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I'm passing your future prison.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
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