So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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