tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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