My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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