my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
