I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
