the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize