It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
