I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Randomize
