He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
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