I could have mohawked her pubes.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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