I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
