so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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