i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
