look no pants
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize