i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
