Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
