At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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