Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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