I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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