This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
