she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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