dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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