Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
