Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
