we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
