Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
