Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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