Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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