No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
