My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
