i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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